I was hangry at myself this morning for not being an early rising productive human. Like anyone who hasn't finished putting together their upcoming art exhibit would be. Don't get me wrong I woke up at a decent time and made a delicious smoothie. Or sometimes, I tell myself it's delicious because I'm too broke to dump out all the organic ingredients I use.
So after rummaging through the fridge, for the third time, I decided I would make a run to the local upscale grocery store (Contradicting?…Slightly). You know! Because deep down inside after years of programming from stupid, hopeless romantic movies. I longed to casually bump into my soulmate while out and about, seamlessly starting a conversation that leads to a coffee date and, ultimately, marriage. Within a one and half hour time frame of course. Self-centered and shallow? Most definitely.
Side note: I wonder if there's any correlation between sexual orientation and pre-pubescent/young adolescent males growing up watching romantic movies. In which the main character falls in love with a man. Anyone?
Anyways, let's get back to the main biscuit and gravy of this post.
LAW OF ATTRACTION. Did you see that coming? Me neither this morning! When I was dumbstruck by an experience I had at the grocery store that I had some time to reflect on while munching down on my bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.
Sir Kensington's "Special Sauce," not all that great by the way, if you happen to find yourself in sauce aisle at Wegmans.
I really hope they aren't studying the shopping habits of people in grocery stores. Because if they did, they would probably wonder why the heck I shop like I am visiting from another country. I swear I have no actual route I follow. It's as if I am subconsciously throwing together recipes in my head as I am wandering around. Taking things off the shelf, then trekking back to the other side of the store to put things back. A MESS. Well, not really, at least I have the decency to put my items back where grabbed them from.
This morning though, I was in the aisle where I picked up the bottle of Sir Kensington's Special Sauce when I overhead a couple looking for the store brand organic ketchup. The woman hastily said, "I don't get it, it's not where the ketchup and mustard is, and it's not with the other sauces!" The husband seemed uninterested and a bit exhausted of this marathon ketchup babbling. So I lingered a bit looking over in her direction. Part of me was trying to see if I could locate it for her, and the other part of me wanted to point out the limited ingredients brand I use. I couldn't remember if it was organic or not, and the label was obscured from where I was standing. Still, deep down inside, I really wanted to recommend it to her.
So I slipped into my fantasy world, as I usually do, to summarize different scenarios with different outcomes based on my intuition. I concluded that because I wasn't one hundred percent sure if the ketchup was organic or not, I wasn't going to interject. I had this gut feeling the woman would respond by contorting her face in disgust. And in a condescending tone utter "That's not organic!" out of her paper-thin lips.
To which I would respond, "Ok, Karen! I get it, sorry for opening my mouth. Do you want me to get the manager?" Then roll my eyes and walk away. She definitely had “can I speak to the manager” vibes fuming out of her.
So I strolled away and continued zig-zagging through the store. I really needed almond milk creamer, so of course, I made my way through the coffee aisle to pick up a bag of ground beans. I also needed to grab one of my co-worker's favorite powdered creamer for our mini under desk coffee station. Which, as it turned out, they didn't carry.
It happened again! I became acutely aware of a nearby conversation. I overheard a woman and her boyfriend debating or not if they should purchase a bottle of KITU coffee with MCG oil, which stands for medium-chain triglycerides. I really wanted to jump in and say, "YES! Buy it!" And dive into facts about the use of MCG's and how beneficial it has been for me. Just as I began my 10,000 reels of possible outcomes, they walked away.
So I asked myself, "Why did you get so excited to help in those last to instances?"
"Why did you feel the need to interject your existence into the lives of four complete strangers?"
"What are you needing?"
"Human connection!" I instinctively yelled out in my mind. As my eyes simultaneously enlarged and I half smiled at the level of self-awareness I had at that very moment.
*You develop a sense of gratitude for therapy when you are witness to the evolution of your own internal dialogue and emotional maturity.*
That moment lasted all but two seconds, and I proceeded to finish my own personal marathon in the grocery store. I was making my way down the frozen aisle reasonably quickly because I didn't want to make any more stops and I need to get home to get some painting in. As I neared the end of the frozen section, I heard a small, frail voice mumble something from my eight o'clock. I halted. Looked back and saw a petite woman in her late sixties or seventies with her forearms almost pressed against her chest and hands curved inwardly. I walked up to her and asked if she needed assistance with anything? She very sheepishly said something, but I managed to hear her say broccoli and cheese. So I looked up and grabbed her the frozen box of broccoli and cheese.
I also grabbed a couple boxes of frozen corn at her request. Her cart was nowhere in sight, so I helped her arrange the boxes in her arms so that they would not fall out on to the floor. She was attempting to explain that her arthritis made it very difficult for her to grab anything. I reassured her there was no need to explain anything I was happy to be of service to her. I did offer to walk the items back to her cart, but she assured me she could manage and that her husband was around the corner. There was an air of concern imprinted in my head, but I trusted her confidence.
As I rolled my cart away, I went into self-reflection mode. To the onlooker, I may appear to be staring directly at them or look utterly oblivious to my surroundings. Nothing exists around me when I am in this mental space as I try to connect the dots of an entire experience I am attempting to draw meaning from. So there I was, walking through my own parallel mental dimension, and I came to a simple conclusion.
In both instances, before helping the women grab items, the need I wanted to fulfill was more than human connection. I believe I had a spontaneous need to be of service to someone. One could argue that maybe my subconscious foresaw that moment and was drawn by this unexpected call for help, which was initially masked by hungry stricken grocery run.
That possibly, I had an emotional response but constrained myself in the two situations that led up to the moment; that actually required me to take action.
Like a mini-mission from the universe. Testing my ability to really listen and become a silent witness to the data mine streaming all around me. What we call reality or human experience.
Is recognizing this moment a result of me turning off all music and T.V.? Which is a challenge I imposed on myself for my upcoming art exhibit. Contrary to the name "Under the Influence," this is very much the space this exhibit explores. Being under the influence of silence. Silence from all external visual and auditory stimulations that we are accustomed to overdosing ourselves with daily. Had I jumped in the shower, blasted music, ran out of the house to run errands skipping breakfast altogether like I usually do. Would I have responded to this call for help? Maybe, it wasn't even a call for help I responded to, but just an ordinary grocery with convenient universal timing.
Is human connection the gift of silence? Or a link to a more insightful version of myself? Does muting mainstream stimulation strengthen a sixth sense we are naturally born with?
I am intrigued, to say the least, and I am looking forward to painting this evening. What I am most appreciative of is that this interaction with a complete stranger motivated me to dive into self-reflection and write about my experience. I have been trying to gather the strength and energy to sit down and write a blog post like I used to do regularly but always found an excuse not to.
So, to the universe and the women who asked me to help her this morning. Thank you.
